When the parents of a teenager or a child of any age split, they surely hope that their decision to get divorced doesn’t create problems for their kids right then or in the future. They think that their kids will no longer have to put up with the conflicts between them. They believe their kids will be relieved and happier.
While that may be the case for some families, most teenagers or adolescents have a tough time after their parents’ divorce. If there was hostility and tension between the parents before getting the divorce, what would happen on birthdays, parent-teacher meetings, graduations, get-togethers, or even weddings? They still won’t get along.
However, it’s not really the parents’ fault. After the divorce, they still need to spend time apart and emotionally reconcile their differences. But the thing is, they are always connected through their kids, and maybe even mutual friends. While it can take some amount of time, it usually results in an amicable working relationship for the sake of their kids, mostly.
Divorces are significantly more common now than they used to be a couple of decades ago. That is why many people think that their kids might be alright even after they split apart, or maybe it won’t affect them as much. But the truth is that divorce might always affect all the parties involved no matter how common it becomes.
But no matter how the initial reactions are and what happens soon after, there will always be a chance for the teenagers and parents to have good relations with each other even after divorce and maintain their sanity.
When the parents of an adolescent or a teenager split up, they often end up maturing or growing up mentally much faster. Also, the divorce can have some or many long-lasting issues or effects on the teenagers that don’t allow them to successfully form loving relationships of their own. Other than that, teenagers may also start getting into trouble.
How Your Divorce Can Intensify Adolescent struggles
Divorce usually disrupts young children in their age of attachment, which is why they commonly respond with regression. The young children might end up clinging to their parents even more for security and expressing grief for the divorce.
For the teenagers, the divorce usually catches them in their age of detachment. That is why their typical response is aggression. They might try to push you and your soon-to-be-ex or already ex-spouse. Also, they might end up pulling away from you and assert more autonomy.
In short, the younger children will generally grab their parents even tighter while the teenagers will try to push them away.
While the divorce is not a loss of love for the parents, the teenagers might start to lose trust or respect for their leadership. It also shows that the parents have put their own interests ahead of their kids’, which is not a good thing to them.
That is what makes them detach more from their parents, become more self-dedicated, and be determined to have more control over their lives.
The situation might become even more challenging when the parents get married to someone else. The entry of a step-parent and maybe even step-siblings can make them more self-dedication and detached.
Divorce Can Complicate the Chances of Your Teenager Finding Love
When teenagers discover that their parents are getting a divorce, many things go through their minds at the time. But over a few years, and maybe even most of their lives, they have trouble making relationships of their own last.
One of the common concerns that arise is the fear of abandonment. They might have seen their parents care about each other a lot at first. But over time, the bond between them got weaker and weaker until they split apart. After the divorce, the parents might’ve even become more self-involved and less available for their kids.
Another common concern is the reluctance to commit. The vow of marriage is a pretty serious one since both of the people getting involved say, “Till death do us part.” But when they see their parents getting separated like that and break their vows, they might not want to experience the pain of losing someone they get really close to.
They might also not believe in love or at least endless love. They might start playing the field and just having fun without ever thinking about long-term relationships or love. Know how you see people whose lives are a series of one night stands and extremely short relationships? They do that because they either don’t believe in love or haven’t found someone worth loving.
Sometimes, the result is the opposite. They might get too involved in a relationship. That means they probably will become too close and very compliant so that the relationship feels safe. While it may not sound too bad, sometimes it involves many unhealthy habits.
There can also be discomfort with conflict, which would either be to avoid it or to stop it. The reason for that could be that serious conflicts that caused their parents’ divorce. Alternatively, it could mean that their parents were always at each other’s throats and never emotionally reconciled their differences after divorce.
Lastly, there could be a readiness to get out of casual or serious relationships. Some teenagers reflect their parents’ behavior in one form or another. When the parents split up because the going got hard, instead of sticking around and working through the difficulties, the teenagers might do a similar thing in their relationships.
Divorce Could Lead To Legal Trouble for Your Teenage Kids
When you and your partner get a divorce, it can affect your teenagers very badly. As you have read above, it can be the reason why they start distancing themselves from you and your spouse. Other than that, your teens might end up doing bad academically, acting out, getting into trouble, and experimenting with wrong things.
Juvenile courts don’t exist for the underage criminals who were always bad. Sometimes, acting out goes a little too far, and they may get into a lot of legal trouble. At that time, you will need an Orange County Criminal Lawyer who handles juvenile cases.
You Can Help Your Teenage Kids Get Through Your Divorce
If you want to decrease your teenage kids’ chances of ending up in juvenile court or having long-lasting troubles with love, you should try to help them cope with your divorce. You can do that by trying some or all of the following.
- Listen To Your Kids and Don’t Criticize Them
Your teenagers might already be under a lot of pressure from school and relationships of their own. That is why they might need you to be available and listen. Try to listen to them and talk about their troubles.
You can turn off your phone or keep it on silent when you talk to them to give them your full attention. That way, your teenagers will know that you care and want to listen.
Remember that your teenagers will value you only if they feel like you value them as well.
- Avoid Conflicts with Your Ex
It might be normal for you and your spouse or ex to get into fights all the time. You might even get into conflicts over the smallest or silliest things. It happens. But you should try to keep it away from your children. Try to learn better ways of communication that show cordial behavior.
Also, your children don’t want to hear the negative comments about your ex. If you tell them bad things about your ex and your ex says terrible things about you, then your teenagers might end up choosing sides or having trouble with loyalties. That can often lead to emotional pain. So just try to not say anything unless it’s positive.
- Don’t Share Too Many Details of Your Divorce
It’s normal for you and your teenage children to get close, which might lead to discussing your pre-divorce relationship’s details. It is especially common with mothers and daughters because the bond there is something incredibly special.
Knowing too many details might make your teenagers start to feel more like an adult and intensify adolescence. This can also put a massive burden on them and sometimes force them to be more distant from their other parent.
- Set Clear Limits, But With Love
Now that you know that your teenagers might start to lash out and distance themselves, you might want to set down some house rules with love. This might be especially true if they drive or have a part-time job.
If you set clear limits and also show flexibility and acceptance, then the chances of your teenager ending up perfectly fine can increase even more. Also, they might come to you whenever they have problems or need advice.
Just try to set a positive tone for your house and make it known that you expect good behavior.
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